


take shelter

by rierin



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Birthday Party, Comfort, Crying, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24652453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rierin/pseuds/rierin
Summary: Izaya used to be better at ignoring his brithday.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Comments: 17
Kudos: 143





	take shelter

**Author's Note:**

> cw: a brief mention of anxiety and panic attacks (nothing descriptive)

Izaya used to be better at ignoring his birthday.  
  


The date seems to be following him everywhere, the numbers glaring at him whenever he glances at his phone to check the time, capturing his attention in every email he gets today, every post on the forum— really, why is today's date everywhere? Humans are too obsessed with time, he decides. It's silly and fascinating at the same time. He laughs, spins in his chair, thinks about all the illusions humans create to make themselves feel like their existence matters.  
  


It's not like birthdays matter. It's just a day like any other.  
  


He tells himself that, smiling. But it doesn't help. He repeats the words in his head every time he sees the offending numbers forming his birthdate, but the strange pressure in his chest doesn't go away.  
  


He used to be better at lying to himself. He used to genuinely believe that he didn't care. And while he knows better now, it doesn't change the fact he'd put up all those walls around himself for a reason.  
  
  


He knows that he shouldn't expect anything. He may have friends now, but how would they even know? The only people who know his birthday are his sisters, and they never acknowledge it in any way. Izaya doesn't blame them. He never acknowledged theirs either, except for sending gifts which the twins believed came from their parents. It's better that way, easier. He did the same thing this year, laughed when Shizuo suggested he personally give them a gift. They would hate that, he said.  
  


In truth, he was just scared.  
  


He scowls at the thought. It sure isn't easy to face your feelings.  
  


He forcefully pushes all his thoughts away, tries to focus on his laptop screen, and just then his phone vibrates on his desk. He glances at it and seeing Shizuo's name on the screen, he unlocks it to read the message.  
  


_no lunch today, too busy_ , it says. Izaya frowns, staring at it. They made a habit to meet on most work days during Shizuo's lunch break. Shizuo claimed it was to keep tabs on Izaya— otherwise you wouldn't eat at all, he explained, scowling, when he first proposed it. But it became something Izaya genuinely looks forward to throughout his morning hours. And even if they sometimes start their mornings on a bad note, with an argument, thanks to eating lunch together it never lasts long.  
  


Well, but it's okay, Izaya thinks, putting the phone away. It's not like they always eat together, it's not a rare occurrence for one of them to be busy. And it's not like they argued this morning, so it doesn't mean Shizuo is angry with him. In fact, Shizuo left before Izaya even woke up. It does seem like it's a busy day for him.  
  


It really doesn't matter that it also happens to be Izaya's birthday. If he's honest with himself, and he tries to be nowadays, this is exactly what he deserves. And it's still better than his past birthdays. The past two years, which he spent alone, trying not to think about how lonely he is. Three years ago, when he got stabbed—  
  


The memory brings a smile to his face, but there's a bitter taste in his mouth. He remembers just how he felt back then, how desperately he tried not to feel like that. At least he has friends now. They might not care about his birthday, but he likes to think that at least Shizuo would notice if Izaya got stabbed today.  
  


Izaya bites his lip, once again trying to focus on the screen in front of him. And this time, he succeeds. For hours he loses himself in his work, tracing threads of information that seem to spread behind the glowing screen of his laptop. When he finally pulls away to stretch in his seat, the chair rolling back a bit, he notices it's raining. He didn't even hear the raindrops hitting against the glass surface of the apartments windows.  
  


Dark, heavy clouds hang over the city; they look ominous but the rhythmic pit pat of rain is a soothing sound. Izaya likes rain, likes the way it makes the world feel like it's on pause, even though it is, of course, just an illusion. For a moment he lets his thoughts wander as he watches the city outside, and instead of his beloved humans, he finds himself thinking about just one specific person. He tends to do that nowadays. Actually, he did that in the past as well, but back then he hated it. Now he doesn't mind, even if it means he's becoming someone who's not just an observer, someone who doesn't get to admire the big picture because their world focuses on just one person. In the end, that's just one way to describe it. You could also say: someone who lives instead of just observing.  
  


Shizuo probably doesn't have an umbrella. The thought only makes Izaya smile. It's not like he has a reason to be worried, he doesn't recall Shizuo ever catching a cold, but imagining him getting drenched in the pouring rain is amusing. He will complain about it when he gets back, then make a face at Izaya when Izaya points out it's his own fault for never taking an umbrella. Somehow uplifted by that mundane image, Izaya glances at his phone, checking the time, this time successfully ignoring the date below it, takes a sip of his long cold coffee, and goes back to work.  
  


The next interruption comes in the form of the doorbell ringing. Izaya startles, his head snapping up. Shizuo should be back around now, but he would just let himself in. A stranger, on the other hand, should be ringing at the building entrance, not at the apartment door. So it's someone who knows the code, but chooses to announce their presence instead. Could it be Shinra?  
  


"Come in," he says, and his fingers flex, ready to grab the knife he's keeping under his desk. He hasn't meddled with anything especially dangerous in quite a while, but he still has enemies. He still works for the yakuza.  
  


But it's not an enemy. It's Celty who walks in. Izaya turns in his chair and smiles. _Transporter,_ he almost says, before he catches himself. They're on first name basis now, technically. Izaya chooses not to say her name at all.  
  


"Have you come to take me to the other side?" he asks instead, a playful tone in his voice.  
  


Despite the obvious lack of facial expressions, Celty is easy to read most of the time. She's strangely stoic now, though, and Izaya isn't sure what to expect. Things are strange between them nowadays. Izaya never apologized for what he did, he doesn't know how to. But he did thank her for saving his life, and he tries not to cross her in any way. And Celty, being the kind and forgiving person she is, seems to have accepted him. Easily. So easily that Izaya isn't sure how to act around her. He was never prepared that, someone showing him kindness and even trust, to some extent, without him earning it first.  
  


Celty quickly types something on her PDA then shows it to him.

  
_I need you to come with me. It's urgent_ , it says, and before Izaya can reply, she's turning on her heel as if she expects Izaya to follow without objection. He frowns. He might not admit it out loud but Celty has become one of the very few people he'd trust with his life. Still, she's acting strange. Like—  
  


Like something bad has happened. All of sudden, Izaya's blood turns cold. It's past 8, he realizes, and Shizuo is not back home. Shizuo is not easy to harm, sure, but he's still human. He can die. And now that the entire city knows they're living together, Izaya's enemies might try to target him. Izaya has been worrying about it but he never mentioned it to Shizuo, it just seemed pointless to show concern for someone who could probably fight an entire army by himself. He should have said something. Shizuo's a creature of instinct and his intuition is impressive, but he can be hardheaded and oblivious at times. If he got hurt and it's Izaya's fault—  
  


His body moves before he can stop himself, orchestrate a different, less panicked reaction. He grabs Celty's wrist and she turns around fast enough to see his wide eyes, his trembling lips. He doesn't bother trying to compose himself.  
  


"Where's Shizuo?" he asks, voice tight. Celty pauses, tilting her neck back like she's regarding him in surprise. Then she seems to remember herself; she jerks her hand away and quickly types something.  
  


_He's fine !!! Don't worry!! They said to bring you quickly, I didn't mean to scare you.  
  
_

Izaya blinks at the screen, so overcome with relief he barely registers the rest of the text.  
  


"They?" he asks weakly, and Celty quickly types: _Shizuo and Shinra.  
  
_

So even if it's an emergency of some sort, Shizuo is fine. Izaya can handle anything else.  
  


He nods, and manages a smile. "Let's go, then"

  
  


***  
  


He's not surprised when Celty brings him to her and Shinra's apartment. Many people who end up in Shinra's care need his services as well. But when they walk into the living room, there's no strangers awaiting inside, no shady men or lost souls who involuntarily stumbled into the underworld and got in trouble. Instead…  
  


Izaya stops in the doorway, staring at the scene in front of him.  
  


Shizuo, Shinra, Kadota, Mairu and Kururi are gathered around the dining table; Shinra is holding a big cream cake. The moment Izaya enters, they break into the happy birthday song. Celty joins them, enthusiastically clapping to the rhythm.  
  


Izaya is so surprised he doesn't know how to react. He's still standing frozen when they finish and start cheering. His sisters run up to him and pull him into the room. He thinks he should say something, at least make a teasing comment, but his throat feels too tight.  
  


"Wow, you’re making a very interesting expression right now!" Shinra says brightly. Before Izaya can react and attempt to guard himself, Shinra continues, "Make a wish!" He places the cake on the table in front of Izaya. The first thing Izaya notices about it is—  
  


"It's so ugly," he chokes out, genuinely surprised; it looks like it was decorated by a clumsy preschooler, and he can barely tell that the number smeared on top in whipped cream is his age. Immediately there's an indignant "Hey!" from Shizuo. Izaya looks up at him, at his furrowed brows and flushed face, and bursts out laughing.  
  


He can't help it; the cake is a disaster and the mental image of Shizuo preparing it is just too amusing.  
  


That, and he's happy. So happy his heart feels like it might explode, and he has to laugh or he'll cry. He leans on the table, still giggling. "It's— it's a masterpiece, Shizu-chan," he manages between fits of laughter.  
  


"It's not that ugly. Or that funny," Shizuo grumbles. But when Izaya looks up, Shizuo is not scowling anymore; he's smiling, his mouth soft, his eyes full of fondness. Whatever teasing remark Izaya came up dies on his lips— his breath gets stuck in his throat and his heart contracts with pain. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that anyone would look at him that way, least of all Shizuo. He should be getting used to it by now, and yet…  
  


"Ah, what about the wish?" Shinra says, and Izaya notices he accidentally blew the candles out while he was laughing.  
  


"It's okay," he says, looking down at the messy cake. "I think my greatest wish already came true." He pulls out his phone and snaps a picture of the cake. "Now I have blackmail material to last me years."  
  


It's true, about his greatest wish, but he doesn't exactly mean the cake. He's not about to share how he really feels though. They all probably know, anyway, and as scary as it is, he's okay with that now. With being seen. At least to some extent.  
  


"You know you don't need it for years. Next year you'll get a new one," Shizuo says, tone much too serious for what Izaya meant as a joke. He knows why Shizuo says it like that, knows he's used to Izaya constantly needing to be reassured. Even so, he can't up but laugh.  
  


"But will it be this ugly?"  
  


Shizuo snorts. "I'll try my best."  
  


After that, Celty takes out plates and cuts the cake. It tastes like sugar and artificial flavoring and Izaya thinks it's disgusting but he still eats some. He catches up with Kadota, enjoying the quiet conversation and trying his best to ignore the noise the twins are making— well, it's mostly Mairu— as they pester Shizuo about Kasuka's new movie.  
  


When they get too noisy, he moves to the sofa, but he finds himself watching them. Shizuo's exasperated expression makes him smile; though he's clearly annoyed, he keeps stuffing his face with the cake. The twins are obnoxious, but he has to admit they're kind of endearing. If you squint. More than anything, he's glad they get along well with Shizuo.  
  


He startles when he feels the sofa dip beside him— he turns to find Celty sitting there. She assesses him for a moment, and he can practically feel curiosity radiating off of her. Then she starts typing.  
  


_You really do care about them.  
  
_

He blinks at the screen; he thinks it should be obvious by now. Then again, if she's suspicious then he can blame her. He remembers the last time she said that to him about his sisters, and he brushed it off. As always, hiding.  
  


But he's been trying to be more honest. And Celty definitely deserves his sincerity.  
  


"Well, they're my sisters." It still comes off as dismissive but it's the best he can do now.  
  


_And Shizuo?  
  
_

Izaya raises his eyebrows. "He's my boyfriend? If I recall correctly, we've already had that conversation. Although, it was very amusing so I wouldn't mind a repeat." Celty was shocked when they first told her, and it really would have been funny if he hadn't been so anxious.  
  


Celty's shoulders shake in laughter.  
  


_Never thought I'd say this but I'm happy you're here with us.  
  
_

Izaya reads the words quickly, and then again, slower, swallowing through the lump in his throat. I'm happy to be here too, he thinks, but he doesn't trust his voice to deliver those words smoothly.  
  


"I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you," he says instead, grinning, knowing very well she will get embarrassed.  
  


As expected, Celty raises her hand in halfhearted protest, smoke puffing out of her neck the way it does when she's flustered. Izaya laughs. He understands now why Shinra and Shizuo are so fond of her. She then shows him the PDA again.  
  


_You can count on me in the future.  
  
_

He nods. "Likewise," he responds. And he means it. The people in this room… he's already promised himself to only use his skills and connections to protect them, not put them in danger. Initially he believed his motifs to be purely selfish; he liked being accepted too much to let it go, and he didn't want to lose Shizuo. But now he's starting to realize he cares. Well, he always has for Shinra and his sisters, though he had a hard time accepting it. But he cares for Celty and Dotachin too.  
  


And Shizuo, of course.  
  


Celty seems to be able to read his intentions, because the nod she gives him is pleased. He has a feeling if she had a face, she'd be smiling fondly. The thought makes him feel flustered, so he looks away—  
  


Only to have his vision completely blocked as something heavy, bony and much too loud jumps on him.  
  


"Iza-niii! Tell Shizuo-san to invite Kasuka next time!"  
  


"No way," Izaya sighs, pushing Mairu away. She's decidedly too old— and big— to jump on him the way she did when she was 5. "You're already unbearable enough as it is."  
  


Mairu makes a show of pouting at him innocently. "Since you're dating Shizuo-san now, Kasuka is our family! He should be invited!"  
  


Izaya is taken aback for a moment; of course, they never hid their relationship, Shizuo told everyone who asked and Izaya made half-joking comments that revealed more than they hid. But he still gets surprised when other people casually mention it. It's like he still can fully believe it's real and not just in his head. In the past, all the positive emotions he experienced were in his head.  
  


"Well then, as his family I should be concerned for his well-being and not subject him to the torture of your presence," he answers smoothly.  
  


"Iza-nii, you meanie. I'm gonna take back the gift Kururi and I got you."  
  


"You never gave me anything," he points out, amused.  
  


Mairu's smile is devious. "Check your neck." And with that she slides off his lap and prances towards the kitchen where Celty disappeared a moment ago to make more tea. Kururi lingers, watching with a soft smile as Izaya lifts his hand to his neck, already feeling the weight of something that wasn't there before. It's a pendant necklace, he realizes. He's impressed that Mairu was able to put it on his neck without him noticing.  
  


"Happy birthday, Iza-nii," Kururi says quietly. She hugs him briefly and then runs off to join her sister in the kitchen before he can respond. Hopefully they intend to help Celty and not cause chaos and destruction.  
  


For the twins' birthday this year, he sent them sun and moon pendants and they've been wearing them a lot since. It could be a coincidence— but it's the twins, he's not surprised they figured out the gifts were never from their parents. His throat closes up as he feels the silver star charm between his fingers. It's strange, that such a simple thing can mean so much. He feels silly for reacting so emotionally but maybe it's just that the twins always had each other, and he felt somewhat excluded. It was, largely, his own fault— he distanced himself, as always afraid of the pain that came with rejection. But now his sisters willingly included him in something. It might be small, but it means a lot.  
  


He feels Shizuo's gaze on him even before he raises his head to meet his eyes. Shizuo's expression is neutral, but his eyes are soft. Normally Izaya would tease him for staring, but they're not alone— Kadota and Shinra are at the table, Shinra excitedly describing something Celty did to Kadota who just looks resigned— and Izaya doesn't really want to draw attention to the fact that they're lovingly gazing into each other's eyes. He would if it could get Shizuo embarrassed, but Shizuo is more relaxed about showing affection in front of other people than Izaya expected him to be.  
  


So he just holds Shizuo's gaze, raising his brows teasingly. The corner of Shizuo's lips curls up in a half-smile and then he's rising from his seat at the table and walking over to Izaya.  
  


He sits next to him, wraps his arm around him to pull him closer, and presses a soft kiss to the top of his head. Izaya's face flushes at the affectionate gesture but he relaxes into the embrace. Being treated like this makes him feel small and maybe he should hate it, but he doesn't. At all.  
  


Shizuo's arm stays like this, loosely draped around Izaya's shoulders, even when Celty returns with drinks. The twins are allowed to have only one glass each, though Izaya would be surprised if they didn't try to secretly drink more. He himself doesn't want to get drunk; he's already barely keeping his emotions in check. Shizuo has a few, but he can hold his liquor. Shinra and Kadota drink a lot; once they start reminiscing about high school, Izaya decides it's time to leave. He doesn't want to hear how strange it is for him and Shizuo to be dating when they used to hate each other, and talking about past always leads to that. It's not that he minds but it's gotten old at this point. They've been together for almost a year.  
  


Shizuo offers to walk Mairu and Kururi home but they decline, too amused by Shinra and Kadota's embarrassing stories. Izaya and Shizuo quickly exchange goodbyes with Celty who sees them to the entrance and soon they're stepping out of the building and into the cool night air.  
  


***  
  


Instead of taking a cab, they decide to walk through the park for as long as they feel like it— maybe all the way home. They walk alongside the picnic area; on its edges there's a stone curb, and Izaya can't resist stepping up onto it. He walks along it, spreading his arms for balance. It's not the same as balancing on the edge of the roof. Even if he closes his eyes, he can't pretend that he can fly. But it's alright. It's impressive that he's able to do that now when just a few months ago he couldn't even walk. He knows he probably won't ever be as good at parkour as he was before his fight with Shizuo but this is still something. He lets himself have a little pride in it. The rehabilitation was, after all, a long and tedious process.  
  


He's not surprised when Shizuo reaches for his hand. He lets Shizuo take it. He doesn't really need it anymore, but he likes it when Shizuo holds his hand. What used to be something embarrassing, a show of weakness, now just makes him feel secure. Safe. Cared for.  
  


They walk in comfortable silence until the end of the curb, where they stop and look at each other.  
  


"Catch me?" Izaya says, smiling. The curb is definitely not tall enough to warrant this and just a few months Izaya himself would be furious if Shizuo offered to help him, even though he would have needed it back then. But things are different now.  
  


Shizuo smiles back, opening his arms and Izaya jumps into them without a second thought, wrapping his arms around Shizuo's neck. He laughs when Shizuo holds him up in the air for a moment, before gently setting him down. His hands linger on Izaya's hips and Izaya doesn't want to pull away, either.  
  


"Are you all right?" Shizuo asks softly, and Izaya snorts.  
  


"Shizu-chan, a child could jump off this unharmed."  
  


"No, I mean— at the party. You seemed tense. I wasn't sure if surprising you would be a good idea, but Shinra-"  
  


"It's fine," Izaya interrupts, tone light. He knows what Shizuo is worried about. His panic attacks. But it's been months since he had one, and either way, most of them were connected to things that reminded him of their last fight. He doesn't mention that now. He had done it enough times in the past. He'd thought it satisfying, back then, to blame someone else even though he knew it was his fault. But he's seen enough guilt in Shizuo's eyes. He doesn't want to see it anymore.  
  


"I wasn't anxious. I was just…" he pauses, searches for the right word, then looks away realizing what it is. "Happy," he finishes, voice strangled. It's his first birthday that actually feels like a birthday. And he is happy, to the point it scares him. If you have something you value this much, it's easier to hurt you. But he won't let anyone ruin this, he won't—  
  


"Happy," Shizuo repeats softly, as if in wonder. He cups Izaya's cheek, tips his face up. He's smiling, and the look in his eyes stops Izaya's breath in his throat. He'll never get used to it, being looked at in a way that makes him feel loved. "I'm glad," Shizuo says, his thumb tracing Izaya's cheekbone. Izaya swallows, his throat tight.  
  


"You don't need to be so dramatic about it," he replies with a laugh. "Of course I'm happy, it's my birthday." But just as the words leave his lips, his vision blurs and he realizes— he's crying.  
  


Fuck, he thinks. And he managed to push it down all this time. But of course, his body already learned that there's no need to be on guard around Shizuo. He's cried in front of him many times.  
  


Before he knows, he's enveloped in a tight embrace, his face buried in Shizuo's shoulder as Shizuo cradles his head in his hand.  
  


"And who's being dramatic now?" Shizuo's voice is quiet, and Izaya can feel his breath on his skin like a caress. Izaya huffs in a half-hearted protest, a smile tugging at his lips. But the tears don't stop so he doesn't pull away. It is happiness, he thinks, mixed with relief and an overwhelming emotion he can't even name. "Who would've guessed, all this time you were just a big crybaby."  
  


That isn't exactly true. He was so good at lying to himself that he rarely cried in the past. His emotions had always been very intense, and there was no one he could cry to, no one to console him. So he learned to ignore his feelings completely, buried them so deep he was able to believe they didn't exist.  
  


Maybe that's why he cries so often now. He's making up for all the time he spent avoiding confronting his feelings. He still doesn't allow himself to cry in front of others, though. Shizuo is the only exception.  
  


"I'm not a crybaby," he protests. "I only cry for good reasons."  
  


Shizuo snorts. "Right. You cry when we have sex too."  
  


"Mm, and you're into it," Izaya retorts without missing a beat. "That's so twisted, Shizu-chan, who would've guessed you were a sadist all this time?"  
  


Izaya can feel laughter rumble in Shizuo's chest. "You're impossible. Shut up." Still, Shizuo only holds him tighter, and Izaya finds himself wishing he could stay like this forever. It's another thing he lied to himself about; he convinced himself he was uncomfortable with being touched. But now he can't get enough of it, he soaks up all the affection like dry sponge, he practically melts every time Shizuo puts his arms around him.  
  


Once Shizuo told him he sometimes wishes he could embrace people with all his strength, but he always has to hold back, he's always scared of hurting someone. Izaya understands how frustrating that must be because there are times when he feels the need to cling to Shizuo with everything he has. And sometimes he thinks if Shizuo asked, Izaya would let him crush him in his embrace, he'd give up his body to let Shizuo know what it feels like.  
  


That's how much I love him, he thinks. It should be terrifying. He always knew, if he fell in love, it'd be like this, always knew his feelings would be too strong and he'd give all of himself away. He knew he would put his beloved first, above everything else. That's why he was so scared of it. He used to think it would consume him and he wouldn't be himself anymore.  
  


Maybe that is exactly what happened. He doesn't know and he finds he doesn't really care anymore.  
  


He reluctantly pulls back, lets Shizuo wipe tear tracks off his face, lets himself enjoy the simple, affectionate gesture. Then they smile at each other and Izaya is sure he's never been this content with life before.  
  


"Let's go," he says, taking Shizuo's hand in his.  
  


"Yeah." Shizuo gives his hand a warm squeeze. "Let's go home."  
  


**Author's Note:**

> ((hmu on twitter pleasE i need friends who like drrr @kittnpaw  
> i also just got a new tumblr acct @rierin))
> 
> a very very late fic for izaya's bday  
> i recently rewatched drrr and this is how im writing this ship for the first time 10 years after i first watched the show  
> i decided to read the novels too and hopefully ill be inspired to write more!! most of it probably won't be this sweet though as my fav thing to write is angst with a happy ending (and kinky smut lol)  
> anyways i know this fic is gross cute but i hope someone out there enjoys it. if you do, please let me know because im kind of nervous about posting.  
> thank you for reading!!  
> 


End file.
